Then and now...

Nalini's Narrative:

It must have taken them only about 30 to 45 minutes to get to the hospital but to her it seemed like many long hours. Mani Maami being there was such a blessing. She didn't feel like she had to do this all by herself. The contractions were still spaced wide apart that she could still coherently sketch out a plan for the return journey home. She could ask Mani maami to send a telegram to her father to send Subudu to help with the logistics and household help with the definite arrival of her husbands large family to this small hamlet once the baby arrives. She kept mulling over the exact number of visitors to come, who was particular about which food who had to specially appeased and given preferential treatment . She'd rather worry bout peoples eccentricities than think about the other big "IF". The "IF" that this time will be such a heart break like the last two times...the "IF" that she will have to be brave enought to face her family's pity again. "NO" she said loudly in her head I will not think about that now. I will do what I have to do when the time comes. And went back to worrying about what Chacchu perima likes for breakfast and what sweets Chandru mama particularly favors. The other big black box of no return was the "WHY" question. "WHY" hadn't he come back soon? He knew how fragile the situation made her, how can he not see that just his presence made her feel that she did'nt have to deal with it all by herself. How could he have been so inconsiderate again? Just when she felt that he had reached his limit he beat his own record of heartlessness..."NO" she will not think negative thoughts again. Not now. She'd rather think of the baby names her mother-in-law might come up with.

 

The horses trotting slowed a bit, and the dim lights outside showed the arch of the hospital's name board on top of the gates. They were there finally. The ward boy came running to ask if she needed a stretcher or or if she could still walk to the OB ward. After Mani maamis insistence she slid her frail body ballooned disproportionately in the middle with the baby onto the cold stretcher. With each step towards the destination and the smells and sounds of the hospital her hands grew clammy with fear. Slowly but clearly she started repeating to herself "பிள்ளையாரப்பா, பிள்ளையாரப்பா, பிள்ளையாரப்பா(Pillaiyarappa, Pillaiyaarappa, Pillaiyarappa)".
 

My grandma has often repeated this story of how my perippa (Elder uncle) had come into this world . How she had been left alone at a time close to her due date by my grandad cos of his prior plans to visit his friends marriage. How she had climbed down the large steps leading to the house to ask her neighbours for help, to summon a horse cart to take her to the hospital. How she had packed her things and some food, locked the house and even lit the oil lamp before the gods praying for a healthy baby. My grandma was a women of steel for all of us and maybe that's why we are all able to forgive and overlook our men's many inadequacies when it comes to their personal lives.

 

Maria's Narrative:

 The child's quickening breadths is what caught her attention. She quickly picked her up and said "என்ன ஆச்சு கண்ணு (Yennachu Kannu)? Are you OK?" Even though Sashta nodded feebly she noticed how the corner of her lips had swollen up and her neck was turning a dark pink. She grabbed the child and looked for the car keys and called out to him. Only then she realized that this was the alternate on duty weekend when he was out of town on the other coast. She knew calling 911 would be best but the Emergency to the nearby hospital was 5 minutes away. She buckled the child into the child seat with unsteady hands trying to talk normally saying we are just going to see your favorite doctor where she can get her lolly pop. She did not want to place the phone call now, she knew that getting her to the Emergency was the number one priority. Two lights later she was turning into the Hospital drive when she heard her throw up. "Oh my love we are there already, it will all be OK" here hold on to these and grabbed the tissue box by her leg and held out the tissues to the childs. Sashta started bawling now, maneuvering to the closest parking spot in the lot. She jumped out of the car and ran out with her child towards the hospitals revolving doors.

After 20 horrible minutes of waiting, more puking, incessant crying a physician finally gave Sashta a shot to slow the reaction and swelling down. It was when the doctor was saying " Well thankfully it wasn't Anaphylaxis.." when the cell phone rang. She picked it up and excused herself to talk to him. His first reaction to after finding out if the child and her were OK, was why she hadn't called to let him know. She did not want to get into the same round of arguments with him and said that she had to go talk to the doc and if he could come back home earlier.

It was after he had come back home that he asked the dreaded question. "Why did you take the BMW?There are puke stains all over the back seat. If you had called we could have worked out the best scenario!"

 

Your mother has often told me of your fathers inability to care for anyone/anything beyond his material possessions. But only when she recounted this incident did I realize what a lost cause her marriage was. They did try to work it out for you Sashta but do you see what she was up against with a man like this?

 

The women in the narratives to the child Sashta:

 

1940's:

Ambujam (great grandma)

+ Mani maami (neighbour)

 

2012:

Nalini (Mother)

Maria (Mothers close friend)

 

Please forgive the generalizations:)

 

I come from a culture like many others, where men were invariably given a better chance at realising their potential professionally but there were huge gaps in their personal-life-skills education. Most girls of my generation and the generations before were taught to be adjusting, understanding, to give in, to be happy with what you get. While the boys were mollycoddled, excused from taking a share of the household chores, their demands indulged, excused and sometimes even encouraged if they do not follow the rules or definitions of society. Girls were frankly brought up to be prudes and for someone like me who was so terrified of not following the well trodden path it took many many life experiences to even look differently at some of the moral edicts handed down through the centuries.

 

What is saddening is the continuance of this age old outlook which maybe made sense hundreds and thousand of years ago. The bigger concern to me is how the immaturity and lack of understanding is often never addressed or even attempted to be corrected by the grandmothers/mothers/sisters and father/uncles of these men and its falls to the spouses (who deal with it on a daily basis) to first make them aware of/realize it and then hopefully make them work at unlearning a lot of it.

 

I've always wanted to address these questions to some men I know:

How cruel are we to the ones who matter the most? Does unconditional love mean repeatedly forgiving someones inability to empathize with a loved one when they need you the most?

When they turn to you when they need you the most you do not or cannot offer them one word of kindness? How can you not see that being kind and supportive makes you much more of man instead of the opposite! Instead of saying "This is who I am'' if you could just say "Sorry I did not know any better, but I am willing to learn willing to try". If you were just as resolved in keeping people around you happy as your resolve in saying "I will not change and I am right" there will be so much more meaningfulness, peace and contentment in relationships.

These narratives are an attempt to capture all that...

Maybe we need a male version of Andal from this generation teaching our young boys some patience, hope and unshakeable belief.