The Lows and the Highs of Sadness

For the past few weeks most evenings have been experiencing an unexplainabale & unsettling feeling. Somethings amiss about many things, how my thoughts are all over the place, my elder boy not being home has made the entire apartment eerily quiet, the changing weather from mild to full blown summer and scorching heat, how though I know its the end of the day, its the time to relax, theres a sadness about something not being complete or not right.

My earliest recollections of sadness are from childhood and teenage- during those long trips in summer holidays I would yearn for home and ache to be around my parents. And evenings especially brought out those dips in moods and sudden anxiety about what lies ahead, what will really happen everyday for the rest of my life. Some of these thoughts were indeed deep and too much to take on for a teenage kid but I think they were very meaningful questions and worries burried underneath it all. Like " What am I really doing here?"; "Is there anything to really look forward to?"; "What will tomorrow bring? and What if my current low state of mind carried on forever, what will I do?"

The hardest thing when ones low is to get out of the vicious cycle, the vicious rut, of lowness (to put it most crudely)! You have to leave the physical and mental space and throw yourself into something which is the exact opposite of the current monotony. And to focus on the tiny details of life and the tiny details that give one joy. 

Joys like this -my younger ones latest additions to his vocabulary, the first mango of the season (though was not so great tasting but smelt and looked perfect), the ripples on the water in the opposite bungalows swimming pool reflecting the light, morning bird calls and the accompanying smell of coffee being made, the joy of meeting friends and to hear their voice over the line, fresh baked bread rolls and the smell of chocolate pervading the house. And so on and on.... 

And maybe oneday I will be able to face those questions that arise in my head when Im low with a strong reply that there are a zillion reasons to cary on and the best part of life is life itself with so much to smell, taste, hear, feel and share.

Until then I will chin up and leave the room before the feeling engulfs me...

P.S: Varan called these scattered dried leaves as "Crispy leaves" as they crackled when he ran over them