The Diary
He: Hey hey hey! That is mine! Ammmaaaaa…. This girl is taking my car…
She: I will look at it and give it back to you..wait.
He:(Fuming)Why should I wait? It’s mine my grandpa gave it to me for my birthday. Give it back now!
She: Ayyyo ayoo Im not going to eat it up. Here is your car…
He: (Grabs it) Thanks…now don’t take any of my other toys.
She: I just want to look at them..can I look at them please? (smiles and asks him tilting her head to one side)
He: (He looks at her, then picks up a train which looked like it had been thrown about quite a bit and was missing a couple wheels and hands it to her) Here you can play with this..
She: (She looks at him with her eyes brightening up and when she grins like that a dimple suddenly appears on her right chin)Really? Thank you! Can I play with it every time I come to your house?
He: (He nods hesitantly..)Where do you go to school? I go to St. Michaels .I am in 4B! Which standard are you?
She: I go to corporation school Thiruvanmiyur. I’m in 3rd class.
He: Hmm…You know I am going to be the only boy in my class who is going to give the flowers to the chief guest in School day..my class teacher Annie miss told me.
She: Really…We get sweet pongal tomorrow for lunch in school it’s some leaders birthday…Seri I have to go …my father will be waiting for me in the house.
He: what is your name?
She: Shankari..What is yours?
He: Vinod.. .
(A women voice from the back) Shankari have you left or not?
She: Coming Ma…
Some years later..
Vinod: Oui Shanku come here and help me with this drawing for the Biology log book.
Shankari: Wait da (carrying a bucket full of wet clothes)…will finish putting up these clothes for drying and be back.
Vinod: Ayyo when will you finish and when will you come? I will also come with you to the mottai madi…
Amma: Vinod will you stop troubling the girl to do your homework…you have to do your own work.
Vinod: Now Amma don’t start with your lecturing again..what am I to do if I just can’t draw? And this girl even if she just doodles looks super duper!?? You know what I’ll make a deal with you Shanku..you draw I’ll go dry the clothes. It’s on page 76 the growth stages of a frog. See Amma that is fair no?
Amma: Well…
Some more years later…
Chitra: Amma I won’t be able to come tomorrow..my family from the village are coming. My brother wants to make an alliance for his son with Shankari..
Amma: Really Chitra? Sure just cut these vegetables before you leave today…So what does the boy do? Will he be able to keep our Shanku happy?
Chitra: Well you already know amma that I decided when Shankari attained age that she would be given in marriage to that family. I would rather get her married within family than someone unknown. The boy works in the Electricity Board..He makes enough to keep her happy..They have agreed to send Shankari to work even…and my brother is happy if I just cover the wedding expenses and give her 5 sovereigns of jewelry. I’ve been saving for this day since the day she was born.
Amma: Here keep this now for tomorrow… (gives the women a stack of 100 rupee notes)
Chitra: What is this Amma..you’ve done enough for the girl with her studies and computer training classes and everything…
Amma: Come on Chitra…just take it…she is like a child to me…
Some months later..
Vinod: (In a loud voice emerging from his room)Amma did you see my passport case I had kept in my drawer here?
Amma: Well something’s haven’t changed in five years of living by yourself..You still need me to pick up behind you..
Vinod: (Putting his arms around his mom) Well what are mothers for amma?
Amma: Poda ithukellam onnum koraichal illae…
Chitra and Shankari are standing at the doorway…Shankari stands with her eyes downcast, a diamond stud in her newly pierced red nose and draped in a colorful saree. Her feet and hands have mehendi on them and the fragrance of the jasmine strands entwined in her long plaited hair envelopes the entire room. When she glances up there is a sparkle in her eyes and she looks quickly away on seeing Vinod.
Amma: Ada look at the Kalyana Ponnu… Tomorrow is the D-day? How come you are letting her wander about like this Chitra?
Chitra: Illa ma she wanted to come and thank you in person for all the help. After the ceremony they will leave directly to the village…
(Shankari goes upto Amma and falls on her feet. Amma lifts her and embraces her)
Vinod: My god! Is this the pig-tailed Shanku who used to cry scared of the Diwali crackers? She is getting married tomorrow? Unbelievable..
Amma: Don’t underestimate her Vinod…She’s a big lady now…she is even trained in computers and all…
Chitra: How are you little master? Will you come to the wedding tomorrow?
Vinod: Thanks Chitrama …I am good. Sure I will come with Amma tomorrow..will not miss little Shanku’s big day! (Shankari blushes..)
The windows curtains are drawn. Amma looking much much older and frailer is in the bed clasping her chest and coughing…
Amma: (with a rasping cough) Shankariii….
Shankari: Amma… one minute…(Brings in a glass of hot milk, helps amma to sit up, props a pillow behind her and hands her the milk and the tablets)
Amma: (Taking a sip slowly) What have I reduced you to Shankari. With your education you should be in some computer institute earning in thousands.
Shankari: What of it Amma! I owe all of my education to you…after ma who is there to take care of you…amma will be proud that I am able to pay you back in deed this way.. When you get better will start looking for jobs…
Amma: Not only that Shankari…you are still young..Too young an age to give up on life and spend all your time taking care of a old lady. So what if your marriage did not work. Nowadays people get remarried all the time..
Shankari: hahahaha…One experience was enough amma… I’d rather live a spinster than to put up with physical and verbal abuse every day.
Amma: Not all men are that way Shankari (starts coughing again)
Shankari: Okkk amma..enough lecturing now…you become well and then you can tell me all about men…
Couple weeks later…
A booming voice from outside….”Ammmaaaaaaaaaaa”
Vinod: (entering the room and hugging her) Ammma why didn’t you tell me that you were feeling this bad when I spoke with you last week…
Amma: (Looking marginally better but still frail) I didn’t want to keep bugging you da…
Vinod: Well Im thankful that atleast Shankari was sensible enough to tell me…all her computer skills are coming to use keeping me informed of all your activities… so tell me all how bad is the asthma this time?
Amma: Well the doctor has given me a stronger dose of this medication..it make me sleepier and makes me tired quickly…How did you get a holiday this time to come so quickly?
Vinod: Ive been thinking about this for a while now ma…my office is opening a branch here and I’ve asked to be transferred here. They have started processing my transfer here..I just have to go back just once and wind up my job there and sell my car and all that. So am planning to move back here end of this year…so you won’t have to go through this by yourself anymore.
Amma: (with tears in her eyes) Really da! I am very lucky…You are such a good son Vinod..
Vinod: Oh come on amma..If I can’t even do this for you…
Amma: Now we have to only find you a nice girl now…everything will be perfect then…
Vinod: ayyooo don’t start with that topic ma please while I’m here…pleaaassseee
It’s night, all the lights in the house are off. Shankari enters the house after scrambling a bit in the dark with the keys… She shuts the door quietly and latches it. She moves towards the kitchen and comes to a abrupt halt. Vinod is lying sprawled shirtless in the sofa. She quickly looks away and quietly moves to amma’s room. Peeks in to see amma sound asleep, turns and bangs her leg in the telephone table to the side.
Vinod: (Rising from the sofa startled) Who is that?
Shankari: Its only me Shankari…(coming into the dim light of the hall from the street lights outside)
Vinod: (putting on his shirt) Oh Hi Shankari! I have to thank you for all the help you have been to amma and for all the mails you’ve sent me concerning her…
Shankari: Oh no ayya! It was no trouble at all your mother has done so much for me…
Vinod: Why this sudden formality..you can call me da or Vinod…as you used to when we were kids..
Shankari: Hmm…we are not kids anymore…I will try (hesitantly) Vinod
(he flashes her a smile when she says that)
Vinod: That we definitely aren’t..so what do you do now? Do you have any kids?
Shankari: I work in the computer center here in Adyar as a programming instructor…No kids..my marriage did not work out.
Vinod: (looks shocked) really…I’m sorry to hear that…
Shankari: Did you and amma have dinner…I usually leave something cooked for her…Don’t know if it was enough for you as well..
Vinod: No I ate something from outside..Do you have to eat as yet? We could go out…
Shankari: No no..I can make something for myself quickly…You do know that I stay with your amma now?( Moves to the kitchen and gathers stuff to make something).
Vinod: Yes she was telling me about that…I really am grateful for all that you have done for her…
Shankari: (from inside)Please stop thanking me…I feel better just being with her…it makes me forget a lot…I feel like a child once more in this house..
Vinod: If you don’t mind me asking…what happened with your marriage?
Shankari: The same story one hears over and over again…after one year of marriage found out my husband was inclined to getting drunk and coming home to beat me and ask for more money. Then we didn’t have any kids and my mother-in law kept cursing me for that. It kept getting worse..until one day he poured kerosene over me and threatened to burn me alive if I didn’t give him the money he demanded. I decided that day that I would have to do something to stop the abuse. Walked out of the house and the two year marriage and came to my mother. It took me 3 years to convince my mother and get a divorce in a court. After my mother passed away your mother did not have anyone to look after her, so when she asked me I agreed immediately..She filled the gap my mother left.
Vinod: Whew! That is some heavily loaded story…well I’m sorry and glad that you could at least get yourself out of the situation
Shankari: What about you Vinod…You haven’t married/found anyone as yet?
Vinod: (Laughs) Hmm..well there have been times I’ve been interested but nothing materialized
Shankari: amma constantly complains about your single status
Vinod: Oh please you don’t start too..
Shankari: (Smiles…he notices the dimple in her hollowed gaunt right cheek…suddenly realizes the drastic changes in her appearance- the dark bags under her eyes and how thin she had become in the dim kitchen light…)
Vinod: How old are you?
Shankari: (Her head snaps up and she looks at him questioningly) Why?
Vinod: Are’nt you couple of years younger than me..you look ten years older now
Shankari: (Heaves a long sigh) I will be 30 next month…
Vinod: Man! We have to do something about making you put on some weight
She invites him to eat what she has cooked, he declines and says he will go to sleep now.
Next day morning..
Shankari: Vinod..Vinod( shakes him awake) …please get up…
Vinod: Yaaawwwn….yes?
Shankari: Vinod ….its amma! I don’t know but I think that she is not breathing…
Vinod: (Sits up abruptly…Rushes into amma’s room)Amma….amma….(tries to shake her awake)…
Ammma….Ammmma….(feels for her pulse….keeps his fingers at her nostrils)…ammmmmaa....(keeps repeating her name and shaking her in shock)….
Shankari: (In the next room calling the doctor over the phone) Yes doctor…I found her like that…yes doctor I checked all that…yes doctor..I will make arrangements..we will wait…thankyou.
Goes into the room..to find Vinod rocking amma in his lap and calling out her name…tears streaming down his face. She goes and sits next to him and tries to soothe him.
Two Days later…
Shankari: Vinod…Vinod…(switches on the light coming into the room…there are empty bottles strewn on the floor…and Vinod is lying in his own vomit by the wall his clothes all astray…she goes out calls for the neighborhood watchman…they lift him on to the bed).
In the morning…
Vinod gets up…looks bleary eyed at Shankari’s head at the foot of the bed. She had slept sitting by the bed…he gets up and walks to the restroom. Shankari is woken by the sound of sobbing…she rushes to the restroom in a hurry….Vinod is sitting on the restroom floor sobbing into amma’a sareee. She reaches out and puts her arm around him saying “it will be alright…it will be alright”.
Vinod: It won’t be fucking alright…I can’t live without her…
Shankari: It will be ok Vinod…just tell yourself you will survive today
Vinod: What do you know about me? Do you know that Im the most selfish person around…I did not take care of her when she was alive and needed me…all I wanted was more money…did not even come and see her for the first five years I went there…now I want her cos I need her…cos I’m all alone…
Shankari: It’s ok….it’s ok…
Vinod: (Suddenly grabs her and sinks into her arms sobbing…she soothes him like a mother soothing a child..)
The sun sets into the ocean…Vinod sits staring into the distance. Shankari sits next to him…She turns to him
Shankari: I don’t want to sound patronizing but…your life has to be lived…you have to keep living..You do not have the power to say this is it..I won’t live anymore. I always thought that I can handle only so much pain. After my mother’s death I asked why does this happen only to me but you know what I’ve learnt through all the losses is that only you can help yourself to move on…you can do it Vinod you will survive this..I could..so will you…
Vinod: Hmm…Im not as strong as you…I’m weak…I’m a coward…
Shankari: Start anew…think this as a chance to look at life and learn everything a new way all over again…
Vinod: But why? Why should I? There is no more meaning to life…
Shankari: You’ve given up without even trying…
Vinod: Will you stay with me till I figure it out? I need someone to see me through this and I trust you implicitly…
Shankari: Yes I will.
Vinod: You are not worried with what they will talk about us?
Shnakari:(Laughs)I’m beyond all that a long time ago…
Nearly a year later
Vinod: Shanku!!! Looks who is here…
Shankari: Ada Ramu! Come in come in…how are you?
Ramu: (Comes into the kitchen scowling) Sister! How can you live like this openly with no shame with a man? What are you doing to our family name? Everyone from the village talks about how they have married him off to some very young girl and here you are living a scandal.. the whole street talks about it!
Shankari: (Laughs) I am beyond all that the petty gossip da…If it bothers you I am sorry about it…
Ramu: I have a daughter of marriageable age Akka…how will I find a match for her with such a scandalous name for the family.You might not need the society or worry about the consequences but I have to..
Shankari: Well a guy who believes in petty gossip more than the qualities of the girl he is to marry will not be a good man for our Lakshmi…
Ramu: Easy for you to talk…you don’t have anything left so you throw your lofty ideas about.We all live in a real world akka with real issues and societal constraints…
Vinod: (Coming into the kitchen) So what do you want us to do Ramu…Get married?
Shankari: (looks at him intently) stop joking Vinod…
Ramu: Now what is wrong with that akka?
Shankari: (vehemently) It’s utter nonsense that’s what is wrong.We are not in a relationship…we are just helping each other out…
Vinod: (surprised at her vehemence) Well I don’t think it’s such a bad idea. I’ve spent the most innocent days of my life and the most painful days of my life with you…
Shankari: (Looks at him speechlessly and turns away suddenly) Anywyas Ramu forget it …I’m sorry we are causing such a bad name for you…will find a solution soon..you don’t worry about it..will you have something to eat?
Ramu: No Akka I just came here to talk some sense to you…as usual you are set in your ways and won’t budge an inch..will see you later..bye sir.
He leaves…
Vinod: (turns to her immediately) Why are you so against it Shankari? It’s actually quite a nice idea the more I think about it the more appealing it sounds…Its perfect actually, I don’t trust anyone more than I trust you. You’ve seen me through my worst times…We understand each other perfectly…
Shankari: (Turns suddenly and leaves the kitchen) Stop it Vinod…he was just grumbling out loud about his troubles…how will this solve anything?
Vinod: (following her) It needn’t solve anything..but it seems like a natural progression for all that we have gone through and shared till date…
Shankari: I need some time Vinod…this is too sudden…
Vinod: What are you afraid of? What worries you? This is the first time in all these months that you seem to be hiding something from me…
Shankari: Please Vinod! I am not able to talk about this now…let it be…(Picks up a bag from the hall)..I need some time by myself…I will go get some vegetables for dinner..Do you need anything from the market?
Vinod: (looks at her hurt) Why Shankari? (Turns away) No I don’t want anything…
She leaves…
That night…they finish dinner. There is suddenly an awkward silence between them. After he finishes eating, she picks his plate up out of habit…He grabs it..
Vinod: Please stop acting like a servant in this house…I can do stuff like this..
Shankari: (She looks really hurt..looks steadily at him and quietly goes into the kitchen).
Vinod: (relents immediately) I’m sorry Shankari…I don’t know what came over me…I did not mean that…
Shankari: (She doesn’t say anything…clears up everything)..
Vinod: I said I’m sorry dammit…why don’t you say something? I might not be good enough for you to get married to..but at least you can answer my question…
Shankari: (In a low voice) YOU! You think YOU are not good enough for me to be married to? What a fool! What a fool you are? (And leaves the room)
Vinod: What in the hell did that mean? SHANKARI! Come back here? What did you mean by that?
She slams the bedroom door behind her…he rushes behind and furiously knocks on the door…swears and kicks at it…
Its later that night, Vinod is dozing on the sofa…suddenly hears muffling noises from the other room…Wakes up and dazedly walks to the door…hears Shankri sobbing uncontrollably on the other side of the room…
Vinod: Shankari…Shankari…why are you crying…I am sorry..I’m really sorry…please can you open this door…
Shankari: (Only hears muffled sounds…)
Vinod: (loses his patience) OK I’m going to count till five..if you don’t open..I’m going to break this thing open…One…two..three (the door opens)
Shankari: (She is sitting in the center of the room, her hair in all disarray…eyes swollen from crying…she looks at him speechlessly but points to the table in the side. He walks to it and finds an old diary on the top. It says St.Michaels academy 1990 on top. He looks questioningly at her and she just gestures at the book. He opens the first page it says in a childish scrawl :
from Vinod to Shanku…Happy Birthday. Write all you want in this…love Vinod 1991.
February 3rd, 1991.
He gave this book to me! He is so kind…not like the other boys in his flat who look away when I smile at them…He even lets me play with his toys. Amma says I should not touch his things that I will make them all dirty and impure, for where are they and where are we? But I will always try to be his friend…forever
and ever.
December 26th 1992,
I got a gift again from him! A kutti Santa clause. He has this big pot belly and carries a sack full of toys to give to poor kids like me. That’s what he told me Santa clause does. Will I ever save enough to give him a gift too? I try to help him with homework and all that but he has given me sooo much?!!
April 4th, 1995.
This week was exciting I am suddenly a “big girl” as amma put it. Suddenly “I should behave properly always and be mature”. Well all this because of the sudden stomach cramps and blood! Yes blood that came from you know where? Well I don’t want to talk about it..it’s all very yucky and made me feel dirty all week. But all the food, celebration and alllll the gifts I got! The pudhu pattu pavadai and even the colorful dhavani that uncle got me! Was super getting all this. Don’t think I’ve ever got so many gifts..if I got all these stuff cause of the pain and dirtiness then I don’t mind the pain at all. Annnnnd the biggest news…is today when I went to is his house he looked at me differently…His exact words were” Oui Shanku! What’s up with you? Why you look all bright and excited suddenly?” But Amma called me aside and said “You can’t go into his room and all they don’t think it’s clean to do that in their caste, this time of the month for you. Stay away and behave yourself you are BIG now”. I wish I could tell him all…all my small and big secrets…I wish he would be my bestest friend forever.
November 9th, 1998,
He hurt me badly today. I mean it took me six years to buy something worthwhile for him and he laughed at it in front of his friends. He always always always wanted a superman toy when we were younger. He used to tell this to his granddad over the phone every year before Christmas. It was fifty seven rupees in total!!! That is more than my school fees! If amma found out she will kill me…and he..he threw it on the road after I gave it to him! His friends were saying “why da you like that he wears his jatti outside his pants?” and he looked at me angrily after all that I did!!! Will never talk to him again! Never!
November 11th, 1998
I take that back diary. He came and told me he was sorry…Said his friends teasing made him angry and asked me not to give him stuff like that in front of them again. Everything is ok now between us.
December 2000,
Busy busy busy days diary. I have to pass 11th with flying colors…So does he…I pray every week for him in the vinayagar temple. God he must do well and pass his exams…amma says his granddad and mother want him to study engineering in US! His mother says “He will come back a smart American”. Will he ever come back? I don’t even see him nowadays - school..tuition…early morning tuition…school….that’s his schedule every day. He doesn’t even notice me nowadays ….Will he go away soon? They talk like that only…
March 2001,
That’s it.. he is gone. I am lost diary. I wander here and there and go sit in his room so that I can still imagine him there. Don’t know what has come over me…He didn’t even look back once when they left in the car to the airport. I kept waving for five minutes after it turned the corner. Amma had to shake me to get my attention. She found out today! She found out the stash of all the stuff he is given me hidden in the darkest corner in the loft. She made me burn all of it! Yes! Alllll of it! She said “you foolish gilr! What lofty thoughts you have! He was being nice to you..feeling sorry for you..but you , you think he likes you? He doesn’t even think of us as humans we are just animals who work for them. And how old are you to start thinking of a man in your life. You are barely even 18 years old and already you want to find someone for yourself? Where do you get these cheap thoughts from? Must be from your dad side! Ohhhh God …how much should I suffer? Even after his death he manages to torture me. I will put a stop to this…your uncle will come soon. We will fix your marriage this month. “ I had to plead with her and only after his amma intervened and said such an early marriage is not good that I should at least get some training beyond high school. Only after she agreed to also pay for the computer training courses did amma change her mind. Otherwise I’d be a dead goose. But I had to make a promise dear diary…a promise to forget any thoughts of him. Only after I vowed to forget him completely and promised to put all my focus in the classes did she agree to it. Focus, focus focus that’s all I can do now..and forget, forget forget. As Amma says I’m not even worthy of his shadow!
September 2005,
When elders say that “Fate triumphs” its soo true…What timing..when they fix my marriage is when he is coming back. What can I do…I feel like a feather caught in a storm. Whichever direction this storm takes me I have resigned myself to take that direction. But hope…Hope is a dangerous thing…there is still a part of me that is hidden beneath layers of reality that pines for one word, one look of kindness from him. If only he knew what a fire rages for him beneath this calm exterior?
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